I'm on the right TRACT, baby...

...I was born this way! Tract, as in you know, spinal tract. Oh, I'm so funny :-| (yes, I push corny jokes way too far).

Anyway.

Quiz from Medical Specialty Aptitude Test of the University of Virginia (click the link if you want to take the quiz too).

Here are my results in my First Year in Medical School. I plan to take this test yearly, depending on how far I can go from here and for how long I can actually stay in the game.

Some side notes:

-General Internal Medicine actually ranks high among my preferences. It's a challenging specialty, since it requires a physician's vast knowledge of a myriad of diseases. The diseases have varying presentations, sequelae and what-not. It's good, if I am up for a job requiring good correlation skills between practice and theory on a regular basis. Also, a sub-specialty will be good, if ever. I'm thinking of cardio-pulmonary medicine - my initial plan prior to all this actual schooling.

-Pathology is also an awesome specialty, if I am looking for much money, minimal patient interaction, and challenging puzzles with live parasites, microorganisms, and actual human tissues (heard this from an actual pathologist from PGH). A lot of my Med Tech batchmates want to pursue this specialty. I have to say that I think I want to know more about this before "disregarding" this specialty in the list of not-for-me specialties. At the moment, what's really holding me back is the microscope. Yes, I dislike looking at stuff under the microscope.

-Emergency Medicine. This needs a doctor who can think fast on her feet, someone who can keep her cool in any scenario, a physician who can lead her health care team along the bustling emergency area; in short, an entirely different Dena. Still, I think this is a great specialty. Ahem, Military Medicine at the actual war zone.

-Neurosurgery for when I jump the ship of the forever alone. I'll be changing my name to Eponine by then, too. Just kidding. I actually know my limits. I believe I wasn't blessed with the mind and the hands to push the limit to become a neurosurgeon. I find the job really, really, really cool, though, and neurosurgeons really, really, really hot. Haha. Hey, intelligence is sexy.

-Radiation Oncology is a specialty that hits too close to home. My dad underwent radiation two years ago because of his thyroid cancer. This year, he will be having another round of radiation again. Being the sanguine soul that he is, he talked to his doctor about medicine and all sorts of things related to it, including me. This particular doctor mentioned that there are only two radiation oncologists in the Philippines at the moment. He even went as far as telling my dad to encourage me to take this specialty in the future.

-For the rest: Dermatology, Ophtalmology, Allergy and Immunology, Rheumatology, and Nephrology, I think I would need more experience and exposure to be able to come up with opinions toward them. I mean to say opinions that are good enough for me to consider them as my future specialty as a physician.

-Obviously, I am one ambitious biotch, no denial here. Oh well, we'll see.

No, not really. I do not know what I exactly want... yet.

Stare

There is something in your eyes.

No, scratch that.

I see everything in your eyes;

Passion, sadness, anger, with a tiny hint of hope.

I have been noticing you for a long time now

and I know you do, too.

I can sense your gaze piercing my energy field,

that is why I always look around when you are near.

I do not feel anything, to be honest.

Keep your distance.

Try not to make eye contact.

Look away, stay away.

BAM!

Today our eyes met.

Damn, cut that stare.

Please do not gather enough courage to talk to me.

I have seen your soul right through your eyes.

I am not so sure whether or not

our demons will play well together. 

I do not want to know.

Transcendence

Perhaps it is attributable to our human nature to find comfort in labels. From the very first time the doctor declared to the world that "It's a girl!", we were given the pressure to stand within the scope of all things feminine: pretty dresses, the pronouns "she", "her" and "hers", including the misogyny that abounds many corners of the earth. I do not write now to further discuss about how we helped shape these labels or how these labels shaped us.What I would like to write about at the moment is how my heart wants to transcend any and all forms of label.

I want to experience love in its entirety and rawness - regardless. I am stepping out of the boundaries of gender, race, weight, and all other forms of the world's  superficial standards. I am opening myself to the infinite possibilities of love, whether the dictionary has a word for it or not. May it be woman, man, gay, lesbian, transsexual, transgender, queer, asexual, etcetera, I do not care. It is rather easy to achieve worldly orgasm but what I am after is someone who can awaken my soul. May we learn together how to create something concrete out of abstract love. When asked about my "non-negotiables" in a partner, I answered that I wanted someone with a passion and someone who knows how to lead me (this part can be very difficult since I do not just yield to authority for the sake of it). That is all, for I know that passion in itself is enough guarantee for our life-long adventure. I need that person to lead me and to take my hand with our love that transcends.

But if I must label my gender, then let it be known that I consider myself pansexual. Yes, it is a form of queerness and yes, I would like to indulge you with questions that you may have in your mind about it. Mind, that the answers I have are what I know and they are bound to change as I continue studying sexuality, sex, and gender.

Photo by Read-the-Wind on Deviantart

Question #1: What is pansexuality?

Answer: While a pansexual person was originally described as someone "exhibiting or implying many forms of sexual expression" (Merriam-Webster dictionary), it is now regarded as being "not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regard to gender or identity" (Oxford Dictionary of English). The latter definition is how I would like to describe my gender.

Question #2: How does pansexuality differ from bisexuality?

Answer: Pansexuals consider themselves as "gender-blind" (O.K., I'm speaking for myself only here). While bisexuals recognize the binary nature of gender as being male or female and are attracted to both, pansexuals disregard the gender binary. I personally think that instead of looking at gender as entirely black and white, it is supposed to be viewed as a continuum or a spectrum of colors, like a rainbow (pun intended).

Question #3: When did you realize that you were pansexual?

Answer: I cannot really pinpoint a definite "aha!" moment for this. I carefully thought of being attracted to just the opposite sex as a cis-woman or the same sex as a lesbian or even both, as a bisexual. However, I realized they just didn't quite encapsulate who I identify as. I just know that someone's junk in between their legs does not matter in my choice of a partner. I found out the term later on upon research over the web. I am in the continuous process of learning, unlearning, and relearning and I am very much open to changing my beliefs and convictions as I deem them fit. My self-identification as a pansexual has always been with me, in a way, I guess. I just had this enough courage to write about it here, for what it's worth. Oh, and also, did you know that you are supposed to be the only one to identify yourself in the most accurate way possible, not your family, friends, church, and society? It's self-identity that we're talking about here, right?

Question #4: Does that mean you're a whore for liking and wanting anyone you meet?

Answer: The answer to this is a resounding NO. I may fall in love for the sake of love regardless of labels but there are such things as standards and taste. Speaking of taste, I like smart people who are not arrogant and cutthroat competitive. I like those who are able to keep their cool. Ha! My sapiosexual nature actually creates a shortlist of "likable people" wherever I go.

No, I will not hump any moving thing within the 1-kilometer radius and no, I am not checking out every human being I meet on the street. Also, I do not have the constant desire to kiss and make out with my acquaintances. I also do not make friends with the hidden agendum of "converting" someone to like me. Just like most people (or perhaps like a few people), I have boundaries and those boundaries will not be breached.

Question #5: Are you currently in a relationship?

Answer: I am single and just "looking around". LOL. For now, I'm fine with love stories shared at Overheard at UP, Jason Magbanua wedding videos, sappy Instagram couple photos... you get it. I am still in the process of knowing myself and of building my identity so that when I start actively finding someone, I won't lose myself.