Time

It is all I ask of you,

probably all that I will ever ask for.

I want you to spend it with me;

all of you, all mine in a moment

or moments, if you want to.

If it's too much to ask, then at least give me physical contact.

I want your eyes to look my way,

hands to touch and hold me,

a fragrant scent that drowns me,

warm whispers into my ears.

If it's too much to ask, then at least give me conversation.

I want to exchange witty lines with you,

talk about farm puns and how they're so corny.

Let us make some sense out of small talk,

and argue about the silliest things in the world.

If it's too much to ask, then at least give me presence.

I want to lay beside you,

or sit beside you if you prefer that.

I promise not to stay too close,

that's if you like the empty space around you, too.

If it's too much to ask, then at least let me think about you.

I want to stop for a minute everyday,

who am I kidding? I actually meant an hour or two;

Let me wonder how you are

what's making you smile these days?

My time in this world

is all that I own

I will give it to you

I just want you to want it, too.
____________________________________________________

Spending quality time is my love language. Simply put, it's the best way for me to feel most loved. It's also my best way of showing affection towards someone I care about. Other love languages are gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, and service. Each love language is unique and beautiful in its own right (this, coming from someone who finds every expression of love as beautiful).You must be really special to me if and when I can drop anything I'm doing to spend some time with you.

Fallen NEVER Forsaken

Less than a year in med school and I know that I am at the end of my rope. My own strength will fail me. Pang-sprint lang akong strength, pero marathon man ni. Today, I am reminded of my true source of strength: The Lord God (I thank Victory Church's Sunday Service and the book I'm currently reading titled "The Way of A Pilgrim" by Bacovcin for being God's instruments for this reminder). I am God's Plan A and I have a gift to fulfill His purpose. I need to be constantly reminded that God's purpose requires excellence, which is why I am trained and molded the hard way. The Lord secures my anxious heart, He holds my future.

Some excerpts from quiet times :)

I say: I cannot do it.

God says: Let me do it through you. Watch Me.

I say: I am anxious with the outcome. What will become of me if I fail?

God says: Be secured with my love and my plan. If you fail, you are still my Dena. Cry, if you must, but know that I will never leave you or forsake you.

I say: Then let Your Will be done. I'll just sleep and have fun. Your plan, right? Perhaps if I let it all go, I'd miraculously emerge victorious.

God says: My daughter, you still have your part to play on this. I won't be the one shading those little circles for you. I won't be the one holding the stethoscope, although I will ultimately do the curing. I am not your instrument of healing. Rather, you are mine. I am preparing you for your future. 

I say: You could have led me/impressed on me an easier lifetime vocation, one that suits my talents and skills.

God says: Oh, who told you that your gifts of writing, singing, public speaking, etc. etc. don't suit this vocation? Are you even sure that I intend for you to become a doctor? In my time, love, not yours. According to my plan, darling, not yours. *wink wink*

I say: Nobody understands. Nobody knows how to comfort me. I feel so alone. I cannot seem to talk to someone about my fears without the fear of being judged.

God says: Ahem ahem. You were saying?

To end this post, here's an excerpt from The Way of A Pilgrim:

"The fact is that we are alienated from ourselves; we run in order to avoid meeting ourselves and we exchange truth for trinkets while we say, 'I would like to have time for prayer and spiritual life but the cares and difficulties of this life demand all my time and energies.' And what is more important and necessary, the eternal life of the soul or the temporary life of the body about which man worries so much? It is this choice which man makes that either leads him to wisdom or keeps him in ignorance."

Rebuked? I know I am.

Buntong Hininga

Mahal, ayos lang ba,
kung tawagin kitang mahal?
Pansamantala lang naman
hanggang makalimutan ko na
kung paano bigkasin
yaring mga pagsambit
sa tuwina.

Mahal, natatakot ako,
alam mo ba kung bakit?
O paano ako nagsusumamo
ang dami ng luha at mga hikbi
na nilunok at pinatahimik
sapagkat pinakaaantay kita
Halika na... Halik ka na.

Third Person Pronoun

"Confident? Aggressive? Assertive? Oh, I know, how about sane?" she said.

"Stable? No, uhm... I don't quite know the right word for it." he said.

"Oh, OK, I'll go buy my second bottle of vodka" she said.

"Yeah, go on" the other she said.

*comes back with a bottle of vodka in hand*

"Self-assured! Yes. That is why you seem so self-assured" he said.

Oops, one of the highest compliments in her vocabulary. 

Silence. 

Don't go there. 

Too much, too soon. 

Think of another topic to talk about.

Let's just say that she seem so self-assured, as you call it, because:

-She is able to voice out her opinions simply because she knows that she's entitled to them. She is also able to ask uncomfortable questions and her ideas "go against the grain" at times because she does not hold back. More often than not, her untamed tongue brings harm but she likes standing in harm's way since she is aware that it's a good way to learn. America has a word for it - a bitch, that's what.

-She knows her worth. She doesn't find pleasure in putting down other people (especially their physical traits) because she respects the uniqueness of each individual. She has a good grasp of her limitations but she continues to push them, just not too far right away.

-She is open-minded and there is beauty in an open mind.

-Still, her demons can keep up with her. It's not because they're strong but because they're ever so cunning; they mastered the art of proper timing. They chase after her in her dreams, in her alone time, and when she's pissed with alcohol. In those times, she succumbs to them. 

-Her set of sins may be far different from yours, but they are sins nonetheless.

-She appears so self-assured because she is friends with her own demons and because she is constantly striving to master her set of sins. Also because, and especially because her walls are high up again, or so it seems. Dare to inch closer and "self-assured" would be the least adjective you'd associate her with. But then, please don't dare.

Vomit. Vomit. Vomit.

Some people literally puke when they are anxious while I feel the urge to have a word vomit when I am. This happens a lot, since I am quite an anxious person to begin with. The number of posts in this blog is directly proportional to the amount of anxiety itself and/or the amount of feelings that cause me to become anxious. Gauge my anxiety level through this post, for example.

-I have a problem with self-control. Damnit, I cannot control my impulse for escapism. As the number of pages pile up, the desire to sleep, rest, eat, and mindlessly surf the internet increases. This makes me a walking contradiction, since there's a part of me that's a control freak; that part gets anxious over very spontaneous happenings (overbearing surprises just won't do), broken schedules, and messy people. I feel like I am screwed big time and this is actually taking a toll on my medical education. The medschool where I'm at requires tons of self-discipline since their goal is for "students to learn at their own pace, by themselves". We come to school to take exams, look at cadavers, smile at other struggling students at the hallways, sleep on correlates where doctors may (a) give pointers for exams, (b) talk about their lives, (c) waste our time talking nonsense.

-Here are some of my pet peeves, in random order: noisy chewing and a person's head moving down to reach the spoon while eating (why can't you use your arm muscles and masseter?!); manyak-looking strangers everywhere who give maniac stares when you make eye contact by accident (this pisses me off big time); boisterous people who do not know their limit, especially those who give lame jokes and narcissistic stories in coffee shops; humans with zero initiative AT ALL (they need nudging all the time! they cannot even cross the street without somebody leading them. yes, I met someone like this); an object that I really like that needs to be shipped from overseas but apparently the shipping fee is twice the price of the object itself (I am talking about you, 500 Tips for Fat Girls); conyo speech - just please speak in straight whatever language that you're most fluent in speaking.

-I hate how schools only measure one facet of intelligence when it was found out that there are multiple other intelligences. I cannot, for the life of me, understand how I am supposed to transform overnight into a robot who can memorize everything on thick books by brute force when I know that I learn best through experience, explanations, and discourse. I cannot fathom how a 100-item shading exam measure what a person has learned within the span of around 10 months. I also wonder how come my brain didn't seem to make structural changes in its synapses in order to enhance my memory. 

-Sometimes I wonder if this is really the path for me. This will probably be with me until the day I die. Had I pursued Law, I would also probably be suffering death by tons of readings. Thinking about it now, perhaps my skills and talents are more inclined to communication- or even business-related degrees.

-Hello, parts of the eye. I remember 5 years ago when I took an entrance exam in that other school where I originally planned to study college. We were given a rough sketch of the eye with the different labels. We had to memorize the whole thing for 10 minutes then they gave us another paper with the rough sketch minus the labels. We had to label everything right out of our brains. Funny, they told me I got the highest score among all entrance exam qualifiers. I was pretty sure I flunked the Math part of the test. Fractions just don't sit well in my brain. Perhaps other test takers got lower scores? Apparently.

-It's quite funny how this blog's medium is English when it's like, what, my second language next to Cebuano? (Filipino is the third one. I learned most Filipino words through teleseryes. Sorry, elementary Filipino teacher). Maybe I learned the two simultaneously or something? I wonder, though, since both of my parents aren't very fluent with the language. Reincarnation of my past life as an ancient scribe? I don't know. I don't think I believe in reincarnation to begin with. Hmm, whatever it may be but I am quite comfortable when I write in English although of course I think nothing beats the dramatic tone imparted by Cebuano prose. This is ironic, though, since the Cebuano accent is really strong and hard. Still. Oh, and Filipino is a close second, too.

-I really need to start formulating a Plan B in case medical school doesn't work for me. Oh goodness, I cannot imagine myself working as a nurse. It's not about that job, it's just that I don't think I'm cut out for that (modified version of the "it's not you, it's me"). Of course I have to give some credit to BS Nursing for teaching me fundamental lessons in life (will blog about that later).

-I should really go back to reading my laboratory manual. Dafuq, whether or not I increase my efforts in studying, the outcomes are the same -- failing marks. I do not know what's wrong. I feel like there are blank spaces in my brain now. At times, I also hear voices talking to me and in my mind I answer them. This sounds like schizophrenia, I know. Oh hey, (+) insight. 

-Maybe I should delete your number on my cellphone. But what if I had to tell you something really important? Also, what if you had something to tell me but I won't be able to recognize your number anymore? Still, having your number on my phone frustrates me a lot because I know that I have your number and you have mine but we're not communicating. Oh and for the record, we're not bestfriends. We're barely even friends. Although, yeah, hit me up when you're in town, we can grab drinks with our other acquaintances. You just lost your chance of having a "lesbro" =)) No, seriously, I'm kind of a good candidate for a good friend that you know, you can ask about what you should surprise your girlfriend with, pat you on the back when you're down and out, those kinds of shit. That's what I'm most bitter about. You did not grab that opportunity when I offered it to you for the longest time now. Anyway...

-I am so freaking excited to get things over with. I want to drink my liver away by then, cut and color my hair and maybe get my navel pierced. Let me cross the bridge when I get there.

On an anxiety scale of 1 to Dena, why do I feel so fucking screwed?

Just Like Oil and Water. Or Is It?

They (by 'they', I mean the religious people) say that Christianity and homosexuality will never mix. Ever. They say it was clearly written in the Bible.

This is a major conflict for me since I identify as a pansexual and a Christian. What if I fall in love with someone of the same sex? Do I have to be shunned by the church that I have grown to love?

Then I stumble upon an article about Mary Lambert and find out that she's a Christian and a lesbian. She is a singer, songwriter, and spoken word poet. Basically many levels of awesome in my eyes.

As much as I want to do further research now, I would have to put it on hold since medical school is proving to be too much to handle for me. This research will entail scouring the Bible and the internet, among other things.

Some links:

Her blog post about it

She Keeps Me Warm

Oh, and Ellen Page's beautiful speech at a Human Rights Campaign Event in Las Vegas recently.

The Enemy of the Best is the Good

So it's Valentine's Day for lovers while it's Independence Day for the single ones.

It's that time of the year again when some girls in full-on make up and pretty dresses hold a bouquet of flowers as if it were a trophy for the whole world to see. They hold their head a bit higher, smile a little more confidently, and there is spring in their step wherever they go. I personally find it beautiful and ridiculous. How that is possible, I have no idea exactly. What I do know is that I find every sort of celebration of love beautiful and worthwhile. Love has this contagious nature that, when expressed, demands to be felt. This is why valentine scrooges feel so nauseated around this time. The ridiculousness of this event is that the 14th of February really had to be designated as Valentine's Day in order to celebrate love when it can be celebrated during the remaining 364 days. What's more, it creates societal pressure to lovers (guys especially) to give gifts to their significant other. The single people make do with each other's company through exchange of gifts, random surprises, and even a night-out together to swim in their own salty tears while wallowing about their lack of a life partner. LOL, just kidding, the freedom of singleness allows one to do anything without having to ask for anyone else's approval (there's the law and your principles, though). My theory is that this occasion was especially created by Flower Shops United, Chocolate Manufacturers Incorporated, and Stuffed Toy Makers Organizations in order to boost sales. Wooh, can you feel that? Yup, it's my blog post getting more political by the minute. Ha!

Anyway, I'd like to enumerate my valentine-related activities this year. It's the first real Valentine's Day celebration for me. The catch, I didn't need a specific person to make everything happen for me!

(1) I sang with CIMphony (our school choir) in front of an audience for the first time. We sang "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" and "When I Fall In Love" before different batches in our school. I'm in Alto 2 and I still really lose my way with the song especially when singing with the sopranos, tenors, and basses. My favorite lyrics are: "When I fall in love it will be forever, or I'll never fall in love".

(2) I received two roses: one from a new friend and another from my dad. For me, single long-stemmed roses or handpicked flowers are just as good as the expensive ones. I do not think that I will ever understand people spending hundreds and even thousands of money to buy flowers. I mean, what will you do with them afterwards? Make tea out of the petals. Right.

(3) I got two valentine cards from my parents and a bracelet from my dad. I love how they always see to it that they give us cards for every occasion on the calendar. Their messages were pretty simple, really, but I know that every word hold so much more. It's always the thought that counts :)

(4) My very good friend sent the UP merchandise via LBC, in time for Valentine's Day. They're now the concrete proof for me to believe that the UP days weren't all a dream. That, and great friendships across the sea.

(5) I attended a talk about marriage with godly ladies who are all beautiful inside and out. I learned from the talk that marriage has no backdoor, no escape plan whatsoever. It is a covenant that ought to be kept forever, "until death do us part". This struck me the most as a woman and more importantly, as a human being. I am fully convinced that romantic relationships MUST HAVE (non-negotiable!) the goal of marriage in the future. If one's vision falls short of that, then it is better to just stay away from relationships in the meantime. 

Thing is, society dictates that a person's value depends on the number of girls or guys desiring him/her. What's worse, there is a premium given to those who slept with multiple partners, as if each person were a badge in that invisible sash of one's so-called charisma. This is why most hop from one relationship to another and engage in casual sex and "friends with benefits". The goal is not marriage at all. Rather, the goal of each fleeting relationship is tasting that "flavor of the month" and bragging about it during the next drinking session.

We are given the pressure to settle for something "pwede na" - someone whom we know isn't the best for us but since that person is available and is willing to feed our ego, we settle. The enemy of the best is not the bad; rather, the enemy of the best is the good. Once we find the good, we forget about the best, thinking that the good is all there is. We get married, thinking that there is always the option of divorce, separation or annulment in case it doesn't work. Except in cases of abuse, I think that divorce, separation or annulment aren't options that one should consider upon taking the commitment to marry someone. When there are fights and misunderstandings, the couple is supposed to give time and space to breathe for a while and then talk before the day ends. The difference here is spelled out with E-F-F-O-R-T. They work things out and manage to get by. It is, after all, "through thick or thin, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part". I don't know about you, but I consider promises as sacred. You swear it on your honor, by the God you believe in, and to the person that you're giving the promise to.

Knowing that marriage has no backdoor honestly scares the shit out of me. I mean, I don't think that I am prepared enough for that. This realization helped me take an introspective look at myself, on how much growing I needed to do. Most importantly, I realized that I do not need many lovers. I need to stop fretting about the lack of a love life. With the way I give my heart (the only way I know how to), which is completely and irrevocably, one person is enough.

For now, it's a very happy independence day for me.

Group 17 of PBL 1 in CIM A.Y. 2013-2014 :)

Alexia*

*(from Greek ἀ- (a-), meaning "absence of, without", and λέξις (lexis), meaning "word") is a brain disorder in which a person is unable to understand written words


What if, out of a cosmic joke, the love of my life acquires alexia? 
Well, I do not know exactly what to feel but here's a free verse. 

______________________________________________________________________

I write for you...
or rather, I write for myself
because I am with you.
Every little thing goes haywire
with every smile and every touch,
as if the heartstrings were made to tangle
and the fiber tracts of my brain were made to intertwine;
like how our hands lock with each other
and our arms knot in embrace.

I run from everything that scares me;
all, except for you.
It's always a special case,
that's how you are to me.
From your eyelashes to your toes
how I love them!
How they scare me shitless
for I have never known
that I was ever capable of this much affection.

If, one day, all my words make no sense
then please do look at my pen strokes
for the ink has bled through the pen
to make an indelible mark
a proof of your existence.
Let the empty spaces and the punctuation speak to you;
it's exactly how empty and pointless
my life would be without you.

You will live forever.
In my words you exist eternally.
Your loss of understanding
may be the best thing that could happen;
for, my love, I will put down the pen
look at your eyes and speak.
I will give you each of my breath
searching for words to capture
the vastness and depth of my feelings
I will hold you close to me
so that you may hear the beating
of this poor heart that skips beats
upon hearing your voice.

Darling, the pen has been my best friend
while the paper has been my silent companion,
perhaps begrudgingly wanting to respond
to my thoughts but always unable to.
Love, I will put the pen down
and tear the paper into the tiniest pieces.
All this because your mind and your heart
are the slates that I long to write on to.
Do not read my words,
instead uncover my soul.
Let me undress it for you.

Daydream

Here is a list (items not in order) of some of my favorite things. These make me feel a beautiful kind of warmth deep inside. They are reminders that the seemingly never-ending chapters left to read will soon pass. These things will someday be well within my reach again.

1) Wordplay of sorts- in poetry, song, conversation, etc. I am greatly fascinated with words and their meanings

2) Pretty lights: stars, meteor showers, fireworks, lanterns, fairy lights, candles

3) A baby's scent, smile, and laughter

4) The beach

5) Fragrant scents

6) Arms to hold on to while walking

7) Meeting passionate people who are busy chasing their dreams, (especially) hearing them talk about their passion and seeing their eyes drift away to their happy place while talking

8) Songs with harmonious melody and meaningful lyrics

9) Warm cup of black coffee

10) Vintage items: typewriters, old buildings, leather journals, handwritten letters, and others

11) Sunset and sunrise

12) Laughing until my sides hurt

13) Storytelling, also spoken poetry

14) Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs and cuddling

15) Kisses

16) Grass on my toes and butterflies all around

17) Breeze on a cloudy day; rain minus the flood

18) Smiles from well-meaning strangers,  especially the elderly and the little kids

19) Surprises. Not the embarassing kind

20) Plot twists in stories that leave me dumbfounded because they are way different from what I imagined

21) People remembering me for no reason, just because :)

22) Weddings, wedding proposals, engagement pictorials

23) Me-time

24) Delicious food

25) Travel

Still Here

Through misty eyes I see
All that's left of me
I remember it all
Don't know which part heralded the fall

My heart has its own timeline
Sometimes I feel like she's still mine
She calms my soul (I get anxious a lot)
My brokenness is made whole (Broken pieces are all I got)

I'm fine on most days
Her memory still stays
I learned to let all of her go
Accept the loss and release all sorrow

At times, I remember her voice
Its lovely timbre and pitch can drown out the noise
I memorized her body and her face
"I do not want to forget you", so her beauty stays

If, one day, she comes at my door
I will let her enter and sit on my floor
We will talk about the years
Laughter, pain, songs, dreams, and tears

I have never stopped loving
A part of me continues hoping
Yet a bigger chunk of my heart
Is more than ready to make a brand new start

P.S.

A,

You used to tell me that "if two people were meant to be together, they would eventually find their way back". You were wrong. Those two people were supposed to stick together through thick and thin, work things out and fight through everything. I was willing to fight for you.

If, one day, you think of coming back to me, don't. I'm begging you not to. You won't be able to fix what you broke. I am not your old toy in the attic, idly waiting for you in a dusty corner. You helped me realize that I am so much more than that; so I will become so much more. I have long since moved on but moving on does not necessarily mean forgetting. I will find the love I really deserve. I am still keeping my promise of loving you forever, a part of me always will. But love, it is best for us to keep our distance.