Whispers in the Wind

I see your face.
I can still identify your familiar features.
Yet, I know that many things changed.
Beautiful, nonetheless.
So beautiful; making me feel warm all over.
Mighty proud of you, dearest.
I miss you.
Everyday, I do.
I love you.
Always and forever.

From and Of Another World

I have always known him to belong to a world entirely different from mine.

He stays up until the wee hours of the morning, reading, reflecting, analyzing, and writing. He sleeps throughout the morning, wakes up in the afternoon. His circadian rhythm belongs in a different time zone, sailing seas away from me, while I lay in bed watching his back before I go to my land of dreams and slumber.

He has this distant look in his eyes. Always, always those knowing eyes that seem to have seen places I never even dreamed of going to. He saw the darkest corners of me, and yet, his eyes search for something greater and more profound between the lines of my skin. His mind wanders to far towns, meeting people I never knew existed. He tries to tell me about them, but I cannot seem to understand his words. His language is far beyond my own comprehension.

He yearns for so much more in this lifetime. He is way beyond years, as if life can be measured by time alone. One day, he is charming, the next he is a beast. I do everything I can to recognize him, so I memorize his birth marks as if they were landmarks of my hometown - just so that I can tell myself "I'm home" in his arms.

He speaks of another lifetime, that we were once star-crossed lovers. Finally, after countless incarnations, we have found our way into each other. He tells me that he is now reconquering his kingdom since he has recovered his queen. Yet, he reminds me that I need to do my own saving. He is a pauper, not my prince.

Tightrope

It hasn't sunk in completely yet and it still feels surreal. I keep staring at this yellow piece of paper, thinking that the letters would change in an instant if I do not look closely. This has been, by far, the bumpiest beginning of a milestone in my life. With a cut-off grade of 70%, I barely passed in the first three bimonthly periods (69.97% average). In the last bimonthly period, I had a pre-bimonthly exam grade of 58%, a far cry from the passing mark. Then came the final exams, when my feeling of not anymore giving any care prevailed and took over. I can say that I winged the final examinations, which were 1/3 of the grade. I was almost sure that I'd retake PBL 1. My journal is even filled with prayers, promises, and pep talk to somehow soften the blow of failure.

But then, a miracle happened. By Divine Intervention, I saw this single letter that I currently consider as the most beautiful letter of the alphabet. Right now, it is more than just a letter to denote parking. It makes me happy, more than the giddy feeling from my first-ever crush whose name started with this letter, too. The letter "P" now stands for positivity, prayers, and most of all - PASSED. I'm one step closer to becoming a physician with a heart.

Grip

There is a girl who does not know how to give up her things easily.

At three years old, she cried whenever her mother would buy her new dresses. "What are these for? I still have my nice dresses at home. I don't need new ones." Oh, imagine the mixed emotions of her mother who wanted to dress up her living doll.

At six years old, her writing book's pages had many holes in them because she wanted her pencil strokes to be perfect. She would erase for countless times until the paper got too thin to write on. "I just can't get these curves and lines right. They should all look the same." Sometimes the pages got too soft because she shed tears of frustration on them. Oh, and don't even get started on the proper use of greater than, less than, and equal signs; she even considered quitting school because of those.

At nine years old, she began noticing her first crush liking her other friend. See, this crush had been her crush since kindergarten, but he did not know about it at all. "But I still like him. He's shorter than me and all that but boys grow taller than girls when they hit puberty, right?" Little did she know that puberty would not really do any favor for her; he would forever be shorter than her. She continued liking him anyway until the feeling went away eventually.

At twelve years old, she bit her nails a lot. She was aware of how weird it made her look when she bit her nails and how short her nails looked after her biting but she did it nonetheless. When asked about her reasons for such a nasty habit, she would say; "I don't like seeing my nails long. I'm bored." Sometimes she would bite her nails when she was anxious or insecure. She would have the habit for five more years down the line.

At fifteen years old, she fell in love for the first time with someone whom she thought she never had the chance with. It was not like how she imagined her first love to be but she found it so beautiful that she could not get enough of it. "I love you. I want you. I need you." All the love songs were suddenly about them. Sweeping declarations of love went out of her mouth like stray bullets from a gun shot on new year's eve. The fireworks were there in every touch and kiss. She thought it would never end. She believed in a happy ever after. Mind, that this is a story of a girl who does not know how to give up her things easily.

At eighteen years old, their relationship started to grow sour. The fights grew longer, the loving got shorter. "I'm not giving up on us. Let us give it one more try." But what did it mean anyway? It meant staying for what worth the relationship still had. It meant lying awake at night to convince herself that all the pain was worth it. It meant gaining strength from love for a relationship on life support. In the end, it meant letting go - her final great act of love.

At twenty-one years old, she still does not know how to give up her things easily. This has been both the bane and the boon of her existence but right now, she is learning to master it. Aside from walls around her, she also has a filtration system to take out the big rocks of bullshit and end up with the fine grains worth keeping.

There is a girl who does not know how to give up her things easily... she does not know how not to do it.

Eternal Summer in My Mind

Warm days

cold nights

travel far away

roll the wheels

walk the path

go to places

with a book

or a bus-

it doesn't matter.

Breathe the air

take a sip

grab a bite

walk on sand

under the sun

over the moon

beyond the horizon

beneath the stars-

savor everything.

These are the moments worth living for.

Young Americans

"The secret wouldn't involve you being a lesbian pretending to be a straight girl pretending to be a guy? 'Cause i could be into that" -Hamilton to Jacqueline

So I found out today that two of my TV series crushes were in a show called "Young Americans", released circa 2000. Ian Somerhalder (Damon in The Vampire Diaries) + Kate Moennig (Shane in L Word) play the roles of Hamilton and Jack, respectively. Jack is actually Jacqueline, a girl who pretends to be male in order to enter an all-boys boarding school where Hamilton's dad is the dean. Hamilton falls for Jack and questions his sexuality; he thinks that Jack is a guy, so falling for him makes him gay.

I already love the show even before watching it for three reasons: Ian, Kate, and gender-bending roles. They're actually not the main characters of the TV series, which was probably why the show was cancelled after its first season (they're the only interesting characters in the show). But then a kind soul over at YouTube cut the parts that contribute to the development of their relationship and 14 years later from Young Americans' release, I couldn't be more thankful. *wipes invisible tears of joy*

I just feel like giving a shout out to past Dena in the year 2000. My 8-year-old self would've squirmed at the thought of gender-bending... but here I am now. What can I say? Times really do change.

Young Americans: Jake and Hamilton

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5 Part 1

Episode 5 Part 2

Episode 6

Episode 7 Part 1

Episode 7 Part 2

Episode 8 Part 1

Episode 8 Part 2