I stutter when I lie

(I had two bottles of Tanduay Ice and one bottle of small Red Horse beer, so it' quite obvious that I am writing this under the influence of alcohol)

DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT HAS TO BE HIDDEN FROM THE EYES OF THE PUBLIC.

Seriously. You will be the subject of every other gossip of your so-called friends, when you are not listening and they will scrutinize your life choices without any consideration for your feelings.

The worst part is that they would assume that you are still not over him or her, since they are not even sure how or when the relationship started. It is a fucking frustration that they assume you are still pining over lost love when you sing sad karaoke songs, when it's actually just that familiar song you want to sing because all other songs sound alien to you.

This is why I choose to remain single until I can tell every important person in my life of the possibility of me falling for either a woman or a man. I need to come out of the closet as a pansexual or OK, as a bisexual. My life is already fine on its own, and I would rather not complicate it with other secrets. I am a very bad liar, for sure.

Whispers in the Wind

I see your face.
I can still identify your familiar features.
Yet, I know that many things changed.
Beautiful, nonetheless.
So beautiful; making me feel warm all over.
Mighty proud of you, dearest.
I miss you.
Everyday, I do.
I love you.
Always and forever.

From and Of Another World

I have always known him to belong to a world entirely different from mine.

He stays up until the wee hours of the morning, reading, reflecting, analyzing, and writing. He sleeps throughout the morning, wakes up in the afternoon. His circadian rhythm belongs in a different time zone, sailing seas away from me, while I lay in bed watching his back before I go to my land of dreams and slumber.

He has this distant look in his eyes. Always, always those knowing eyes that seem to have seen places I never even dreamed of going to. He saw the darkest corners of me, and yet, his eyes search for something greater and more profound between the lines of my skin. His mind wanders to far towns, meeting people I never knew existed. He tries to tell me about them, but I cannot seem to understand his words. His language is far beyond my own comprehension.

He yearns for so much more in this lifetime. He is way beyond years, as if life can be measured by time alone. One day, he is charming, the next he is a beast. I do everything I can to recognize him, so I memorize his birth marks as if they were landmarks of my hometown - just so that I can tell myself "I'm home" in his arms.

He speaks of another lifetime, that we were once star-crossed lovers. Finally, after countless incarnations, we have found our way into each other. He tells me that he is now reconquering his kingdom since he has recovered his queen. Yet, he reminds me that I need to do my own saving. He is a pauper, not my prince.

Tightrope

It hasn't sunk in completely yet and it still feels surreal. I keep staring at this yellow piece of paper, thinking that the letters would change in an instant if I do not look closely. This has been, by far, the bumpiest beginning of a milestone in my life. With a cut-off grade of 70%, I barely passed in the first three bimonthly periods (69.97% average). In the last bimonthly period, I had a pre-bimonthly exam grade of 58%, a far cry from the passing mark. Then came the final exams, when my feeling of not anymore giving any care prevailed and took over. I can say that I winged the final examinations, which were 1/3 of the grade. I was almost sure that I'd retake PBL 1. My journal is even filled with prayers, promises, and pep talk to somehow soften the blow of failure.

But then, a miracle happened. By Divine Intervention, I saw this single letter that I currently consider as the most beautiful letter of the alphabet. Right now, it is more than just a letter to denote parking. It makes me happy, more than the giddy feeling from my first-ever crush whose name started with this letter, too. The letter "P" now stands for positivity, prayers, and most of all - PASSED. I'm one step closer to becoming a physician with a heart.

Grip

There is a girl who does not know how to give up her things easily.

At three years old, she cried whenever her mother would buy her new dresses. "What are these for? I still have my nice dresses at home. I don't need new ones." Oh, imagine the mixed emotions of her mother who wanted to dress up her living doll.

At six years old, her writing book's pages had many holes in them because she wanted her pencil strokes to be perfect. She would erase for countless times until the paper got too thin to write on. "I just can't get these curves and lines right. They should all look the same." Sometimes the pages got too soft because she shed tears of frustration on them. Oh, and don't even get started on the proper use of greater than, less than, and equal signs; she even considered quitting school because of those.

At nine years old, she began noticing her first crush liking her other friend. See, this crush had been her crush since kindergarten, but he did not know about it at all. "But I still like him. He's shorter than me and all that but boys grow taller than girls when they hit puberty, right?" Little did she know that puberty would not really do any favor for her; he would forever be shorter than her. She continued liking him anyway until the feeling went away eventually.

At twelve years old, she bit her nails a lot. She was aware of how weird it made her look when she bit her nails and how short her nails looked after her biting but she did it nonetheless. When asked about her reasons for such a nasty habit, she would say; "I don't like seeing my nails long. I'm bored." Sometimes she would bite her nails when she was anxious or insecure. She would have the habit for five more years down the line.

At fifteen years old, she fell in love for the first time with someone whom she thought she never had the chance with. It was not like how she imagined her first love to be but she found it so beautiful that she could not get enough of it. "I love you. I want you. I need you." All the love songs were suddenly about them. Sweeping declarations of love went out of her mouth like stray bullets from a gun shot on new year's eve. The fireworks were there in every touch and kiss. She thought it would never end. She believed in a happy ever after. Mind, that this is a story of a girl who does not know how to give up her things easily.

At eighteen years old, their relationship started to grow sour. The fights grew longer, the loving got shorter. "I'm not giving up on us. Let us give it one more try." But what did it mean anyway? It meant staying for what worth the relationship still had. It meant lying awake at night to convince herself that all the pain was worth it. It meant gaining strength from love for a relationship on life support. In the end, it meant letting go - her final great act of love.

At twenty-one years old, she still does not know how to give up her things easily. This has been both the bane and the boon of her existence but right now, she is learning to master it. Aside from walls around her, she also has a filtration system to take out the big rocks of bullshit and end up with the fine grains worth keeping.

There is a girl who does not know how to give up her things easily... she does not know how not to do it.

Eternal Summer in My Mind

Warm days

cold nights

travel far away

roll the wheels

walk the path

go to places

with a book

or a bus-

it doesn't matter.

Breathe the air

take a sip

grab a bite

walk on sand

under the sun

over the moon

beyond the horizon

beneath the stars-

savor everything.

These are the moments worth living for.

Young Americans

"The secret wouldn't involve you being a lesbian pretending to be a straight girl pretending to be a guy? 'Cause i could be into that" -Hamilton to Jacqueline

So I found out today that two of my TV series crushes were in a show called "Young Americans", released circa 2000. Ian Somerhalder (Damon in The Vampire Diaries) + Kate Moennig (Shane in L Word) play the roles of Hamilton and Jack, respectively. Jack is actually Jacqueline, a girl who pretends to be male in order to enter an all-boys boarding school where Hamilton's dad is the dean. Hamilton falls for Jack and questions his sexuality; he thinks that Jack is a guy, so falling for him makes him gay.

I already love the show even before watching it for three reasons: Ian, Kate, and gender-bending roles. They're actually not the main characters of the TV series, which was probably why the show was cancelled after its first season (they're the only interesting characters in the show). But then a kind soul over at YouTube cut the parts that contribute to the development of their relationship and 14 years later from Young Americans' release, I couldn't be more thankful. *wipes invisible tears of joy*

I just feel like giving a shout out to past Dena in the year 2000. My 8-year-old self would've squirmed at the thought of gender-bending... but here I am now. What can I say? Times really do change.

Young Americans: Jake and Hamilton

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5 Part 1

Episode 5 Part 2

Episode 6

Episode 7 Part 1

Episode 7 Part 2

Episode 8 Part 1

Episode 8 Part 2

Lackluster

Luscious lips
take a bite
taste the good
be so high.
Satisfy your desires
on your tongue
in my mouth
all over.

Search for me
when I'm gone
dream of you
and your touch.
Haunt your mind
with my eyes
fondle your breasts
in our sweet embrace.

Drink your juice
dripping wet
right between
beyond your thighs.
Say goodbye
hello, goodbye
bat your lashes
drive me wild.

Recover fast
or not at all
be consumed by those thoughts.
Cry for help
in the dark
shush the demon
of such kind.

The Winner

(Written on March 28, 2009)

"The world is a permanent battlefield,

a place for those who choose to either resist or yield.

It is an arena of consistent pain,

and it's up to you if you'll compensate it with growth and gain.

Success is not measured upon the awards on the shelves,

not on how great we see ourselves.

Recognition can be claimed by everyone,

but the ones who deserve it are those whose best was done.

It's a matter of putting your heart into it;

Learning to love, bit by bit.

For winning is all about doing your best,

an individual's passion for excellence is its chosen nest.

No, we can't put bliss in everybody's eyes,

we're not always good enough to vanish their sighs.

But then again it's about exhausting your fullest potentials,

regardless of your status, talents and credentials.

Always see the light before you,

because like everyone else, you're a born winner too.

Never strip this off your sanity;

"It's not the quantity but the quality."

The rationale of this all,

is that a true winner never ceases to stand after every fall.

It's not the human eyes that you need to please,

but the Creator himself who's our only source of inner peace."

Gag Reflex

-My cousin just graduated from highschool. I've never felt so old. Haha, not that it's a big deal. I still feel like a kid, with some experiences all too familiar when I encounter them again. Anyway, my cousin plans to become a nurse, as in the legit nurse as a profession, not a pre-something. I am amazed with her persistence for that career path despite other people discouraging her. I hope she maintains that attitude when she experiences the real stuff: sleepless nights, toxic patients, etc.

-The valedictorian of my cousin's graduating class will be pursuing a degree on creative writing in UP Diliman. She will then proceed to higher studies to become a lawyer. I just have to express how awesome that is. Talk about satiating the desires of all brain hemispheres. Creative writing + Technical writing are so challenging and amazing.

-Someday, when I'm earning my own money, I will see to it to save cash to treat family members to fancy restaurants and other fancy stuff. Taking them to travel somewhere is on my bucket list. It makes me happy to see them having fun. I value family time so much, especially because I see the little ones play and I am able to indulge in the wisdom of experiences of the older ones. Oh, and my aunt is 13 weeks pregnant! I am sooo excited to hold my new cousin. 

-Fire dancing is just so fun to watch. They had this presentation last night during the Earth Hour. I have a thing for pretty lights so fire dancing is a most welcome addition.

-I heard this song played by a live band last night. It had lyrics that went "I'll take one shot for my pain, one drag for my sorrow, get messed up today... I'll be O.K. tomorrow". I liked it because the songwriter seemed miserable at best but hopeful nonetheless. Oh, I just searched the song online and it's Bruno Mars' Liquor Store Blues. Here's a good cover of the song.

-There are many smart people I know and it's my privilege to know them. This year, I know three magna cum laude accountancy graduates, one magna cum laude and another with honors ECE graduates, one magna cum laude health science graduate, among others. Oh, and yeah, one future applied physicist.

-The elementary school where I graduated from looks so different from eight years ago. My favorite change is the hanging lanterns on the old trees there. They look so magical. Haha, my thing for pretty lights again. I saw some elementary batchmates there, said hi, and awkwardly walked away because I didn't know what to tell/ask them anymore.

-It's the start of the final exams tomorrow and I don't give a flying fuck anymore.

Tandem Walk

So... O.K., I think I topped my lack of self-discipline today, in like forever. Finals is coming up in five days and instead of panic-studying, my lack of good judgment enabled me to finish the 14-episode first season of L Word. That's more than 15 hours lost, just like that. Well, I tried to read on the side but who am I kidding, I am not Ms. Multitasker of the Year. Every night, I make a promise to my future self that tomorrow, I will go out of the house and actually focus. But then, the next day, I get swallowed up by my very own D.I.Y. vortex of doom. 

I have thoughts related to L Word, though. Here are a few:

Do I really need to establish romantic relationships and have sexual interactions to help me figure out who I am as a person? I don't think I am ready for those anytime soon. This is because I do not know (yet) how to separate romance from intimacy. I think it's very important to undergo such "exploration"-- the figuring out who I am part, I mean. Hmmm... well, I don't really think I'd be able to make such compartmentalization; I'm not closing my door, though. What I am ready for is the discovery of my inner self in order to be O.K. with who I really am. I mean, do I really need someone else's affection or someone else for that matter to determine my true nature? I just can't risk getting hurt. Shit, I must be another heartless hopeless romantic. You know, getting my fix from sappy love songs, etcetera but still walled off from the rest of the world for fear of getting hurt.

Blah, blah, blah. I hate how much of an overthinker I am. What I hate more is the fact that I lack people who would discuss these things with me. Ah, alcohol, how I miss you... you make people so much more interesting and profound than they really are in real life.

(Not related to the topic but a good read nonetheless:
How to Love a Girl Who Doesn't Know How to be Loved)

A Love Note

I only asked you to sing for me

and you played me an orchestra-

these heart sounds went "lub-dub, lub-dub"

sometimes fluttered like a butterfly in my chest.

I only wished for you to write me letters

and you gave me more lines to read-

on the palm of my hands, on the curve of my neck, 

on my face.

I only requested you to paint me

and you splashed the colors-

all around, everywhere

on the sidewalk, in the sky, in everything I see.

I only wanted you to dance with me

and you took my hand, held my waist-

waltzed through the night,

and had this dance our whole life through.

I only hoped to be your muse

and you made me so much more than that-

you had me live through a hundred lives

to lose myself... and find my way back to you.

--Only you can break my sheer panic with awe at just how great you are. I can spend my whole life trying to understand how the human body works (and I will), but only you can engineer everything to work just the way they do. Some people call you the Universe, some call you Science, but to me, you are these and so much more. I call on to you with each breath and in every heartbeat.

Huge's Heart

Love continues to change its form and expression for me; each of them I consider beautiful. It continues to surprise me and I know that there can't be "too much love" for me.

At the moment, the best manifestation of love is the thoughtfulness of our kids in our neighborhood. My dad calls them his angels. They are his playmates and barkada, since my father does not have many close adult friends (for a very good reason: he chooses his friends very carefully and he is wary with betrayal and peer pressure). Papa has been on isolation for almost a month now because of his radiation therapy for thyroid cancer. He can't go anywhere near kids, pregnant women, and we maintain distance of at least a meter away from him. However, this does not stop the children from calling his name as they stand right outside our house. One can hear "Daddy Boie" in the morning before they leave for school and in the afternoon during their games. We thought that they'd eventually stop after a week since my dad doesn't even face them even if he wants to in order to protect the children from radiation exposure. However, they continue to tell him about their day, who's fighting with who and their perfect scores in their quizzes at school. They also make drawings especially for my dad just so he would know that they miss him. I wonder if their parents even know about these important events in their children's lives.

My father is the best example of a man that I want to someday marry. He is loving, understanding, kind, and just about every positive adjective I could think of. Mind you, I do not give compliments loosely. He sure is not perfect, but being a girl version of him (he tells me I should've been named "Huga", as his name is "Hugo". I KNOW RIGHT), gives us a special connection. I know how to talk to him when he's on the verge of spewing curses (rare times but you won't want to be there to witness it). He opens up about his insecurities and pains in the past (repetitively, but hey, that's a good way to heal).

I pray to God that he be given a very long life. I pray that the complications of cancer, gout, hypertension, and diabetes be put at bay indefinitely. I want him to see my own children making random love notes for him in the future. I am looking forward to his beaming smile upon receiving them. It would be a privilege for my little ones to grow up with him as their grandfather. I could only imagine the songs and the games that they'd be playing!

Oh, and I'm changing my statement earlier about the best expression of love at the moment. It's actually how this family continues to be strong in spite of every trial. I am just so blessed to have the dad of my dreams, as well as a beautiful mother to complement him.

T

I want you.

Our relationship is something that I really look forward to having- low-maintenance, low-key, and undemanding. I can give you everything you want, and I will. I am not even scared of you, my dear. I cannot wait, my Osam (Serbian word which means "eight"- a tarantula has 8 'normal' legs and 2 short ones in front). We'll meet sooner than later, perhaps this summer.

Imaginary convo:

Me: This is my pet, named "Osam".

Person: AWESOME!

Me: Yeah, he's Osam. Awesome Osam. Get it? =))

In case you're wondering, I do still want two dogs but they belong in the far future. I won't be able to provide for the needs of a dog yet; they're like babies, needing attention and all that jazz. In that aspect, tarantulas are better since they only need once-a-week feeding of a one-peso superworm. Of course I'd have to forego cuddling for now.

In Short, I'm Longing

The number of people that I am missing so much is too damn high. I don't want to write about this feeling because it would only frustrate the shit out of me. It's been too long. It must be because of my anxiety that I'm instinctively looking for the comfort of good company. Feelings are quite inconvenient and I dislike this inconvenience so much. 

Tightrope Walking

Uncertainty.

It is the feeling that I hate the most. It fuels my already anxious mind, making everything even scarier. I have an imagination that can probably fill a galaxy so the very thought of something is enough to make it so real to me.

Medical school is my biggest uncertainty at the moment. If I screwed this up, my life will be in a total limbo. Sanity, please stay with me.

__________

OK, I've had my coffee. Thank God for coffee-induced thoughts. I will finish this. Like a marathon runner who experiences a burst of energy with the finish line in plain sight, I will give everything left in me- my willpower, faith, and pep talk. There's not much left anymore but yeah, at least this is something.

Must be because of the Human Embryology module

Being the great procrastinator that I am, I decided to skim over my previous blog posts instead of studying. This write-up from December 2012 still holds true today, especially now that I decided to have a child in the distant future (like really distant, more or less 10 years from now).

Pre-requisite: I'll have a sperm donor (or maybe a husband)  to conceive and I'll actually have the capacity for conception.

My children can choose whoever they want to become someday.

I swear on the eggs of my ovaries that my unborn children will be given enough freedom to choose who they want to become, provided that they know why they want to become that way. Pardon the funny mental image instilled as I swore on my ova.

Also, unmet father of my children (if any and if applicable), you need to understand that we will be raising our children to the best of our capabilities but we need to understand as well that we could only do so much. We cannot shove down our beliefs down the throats of our children if we want them to be strong and confident in facing life head-on or, as I would like to put it, if we'd like them to grow some balls (whether imaginary or actual).

The decisions that they will someday make include but are not limited to the following: gender, religion, career path.

Gender: "Anak, may boyfriend ka na ba? Girlfriend, meron na?"

The absence or presence of a penis will not dictate your role in life, my child. I will give you equal access to trucks, guns, dolls, and playhouses. Oh, it would be a delight for me if you preferred the unisex educational toys. Point is, I would not want you to be pressured to find a girlfriend (if you're a boy) in your pubertal years. So what if you're a little boy who loves to dress up as the Little Mermaid on Halloween? I'll make you fabulous, little one, if that's what you want. This world has its boxed up views of who should marry who, that they tend to forget that the point of being in a relationship is love before and above all else. I would rather have you open up to me about your relationship status, your first kiss (and other things beyond that), and problems regarding that. I would rather have you asking me questions about sex and love in an accepting atmosphere, than you being coiled up in a closet. It is, however, a mistake to think that I would like you to become a homosexual for that in itself contradicts my principle of you realizing the role you will be portraying for the rest of your life. Hetero- homo- bi- trans-, I will love and accept you.

Religion: "Katoliko kang ipinanganak, Katoliko kang mamamatay... or not"

This is probably one of the most controversial things that I have encountered thus far. It is rather difficult to explain this to others since their own beliefs cloud their minds whenever this sensitive topic on religion is talked about. My principle on religion is this: we are all made to worship. However, we cannot dictate who or what to worship. Yes, this includes the atheists who say that they do not believe in God. Nevertheless, they worship or give unusual value for something, may it be a relationship, an object or a trait (e.g. love). As I think about it now, they are actually disregarding God while giving value for His manifestation. It's a matter of understanding and justifying your beliefs, or lack thereof. For me, religions are mere vehicles for praising a common God. I may have said this before somewhere in this blog, but I know that God's majesty cannot and should not be encompassed by a single religion. No, this is not a belief, this is what I know. More important than my child doing the sign of the cross or adhering to rituals is the fact that he/she is making a conscious effort to be of service to other creations, his/her love and concern for God and His manifestations.

Career path: "If you will it, you can do it."

The question here is not about the specific career that needs to be pursued. Sure it would be a great source of pride to have a child who's a doctor or a lawyer but it would be great as well to have a child who's a great mother (if she decides to marry at an early age) or maybe a prolific artist of sorts. More than a specific career path, it would please me greatly to have children who pour their hearts out in pursuit of their dreams. All we can do is give them pieces of advice for the pro's and con's of their decisions but the final say must come from them. By any twist of fate, I may not realize my other dream of becoming a lawyer. However, this is not a reason for me to push a child to realize my dream. I had my time, my destiny. It's that child's time to live his/her own destiny.

Please do not consider this as a manifestation of my disillusioned dream to become a mother, O.K. These are my views of how children should be raised. I believe that parents are guides, not molds. They are like trellises that vines can follow as they grow but those same vines can still stray to where the sun shines, given that they are strong enough to continue growing.

"Dum Spiro Spero"

Keep your head up
Do not lose hope yet
The battle is not done
In fact, it has just begun

Walk straight
Look at everyone in the eyes
You are not doing anything wrong
All you do is dream and fight for it

Smile
Cry, but smile nonetheless
Take deep breaths
Believe in miracles

Look back and remember
The many times in the past
when you were utterly convinced
that you can't do it

So what if you fail now?
It is not a reason for you to give up
Stand up and wear your battle scars
It can only get better from here

"Dum Spiro Spero": While I breathe, I hope.

Empty Boxes

Hello there.

It's been a while since we last saw each other. Hmm... around what, 5 years? I guess so. Five years since high school graduation and since... well, what exactly?

Exactly.

I do not know how to follow through that "hello", given that there isn't much where we left off from some time ago. It's like opening an empty box filled with cobwebs; remove the cobwebs and then there's the emptiness inside the box once more. There's nothing to talk about because of two apparent reasons: (1) where and how do we start a decent conversation with approximately 10 minutes to talk? and (2) what's the point of "catching up", when we don't even know about the details of our next chance encounter? Again, exactly. Five years since nothing. You and I both know that it is a wasted investment at this point to talk about substantial matters so it's better to settle with mere hello's, how do you do? (answer: I'm fine), and where are you going? 

The thing here, though, is that our encounter made me think of just how much can change in a span of five long/short (whichever way we choose to look at it) years. You still look the same, although there's a more distant and disengaged look in your eyes now. Perhaps it's what maturity does to us, no? You say I look different now and it actually took you around 30 seconds plus a closer look at my nameplate to know that it's me. Still, I feel the same from five years ago yet there are parts of me that are way different from what used to be. I have been broken and rebuilt for countless times but still with the same mold. I started with straw and now, the mold is made of bricks - hopefully sturdier and better. I know that you've changed through the years, too. I could only hope that it was for the better. I am glad to know that you are alive and that you're making a living out of your skills. See you again when I spot your familiar face in the crowd. Don't worry, I never forget faces.

Time

It is all I ask of you,

probably all that I will ever ask for.

I want you to spend it with me;

all of you, all mine in a moment

or moments, if you want to.

If it's too much to ask, then at least give me physical contact.

I want your eyes to look my way,

hands to touch and hold me,

a fragrant scent that drowns me,

warm whispers into my ears.

If it's too much to ask, then at least give me conversation.

I want to exchange witty lines with you,

talk about farm puns and how they're so corny.

Let us make some sense out of small talk,

and argue about the silliest things in the world.

If it's too much to ask, then at least give me presence.

I want to lay beside you,

or sit beside you if you prefer that.

I promise not to stay too close,

that's if you like the empty space around you, too.

If it's too much to ask, then at least let me think about you.

I want to stop for a minute everyday,

who am I kidding? I actually meant an hour or two;

Let me wonder how you are

what's making you smile these days?

My time in this world

is all that I own

I will give it to you

I just want you to want it, too.
____________________________________________________

Spending quality time is my love language. Simply put, it's the best way for me to feel most loved. It's also my best way of showing affection towards someone I care about. Other love languages are gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, and service. Each love language is unique and beautiful in its own right (this, coming from someone who finds every expression of love as beautiful).You must be really special to me if and when I can drop anything I'm doing to spend some time with you.

Fallen NEVER Forsaken

Less than a year in med school and I know that I am at the end of my rope. My own strength will fail me. Pang-sprint lang akong strength, pero marathon man ni. Today, I am reminded of my true source of strength: The Lord God (I thank Victory Church's Sunday Service and the book I'm currently reading titled "The Way of A Pilgrim" by Bacovcin for being God's instruments for this reminder). I am God's Plan A and I have a gift to fulfill His purpose. I need to be constantly reminded that God's purpose requires excellence, which is why I am trained and molded the hard way. The Lord secures my anxious heart, He holds my future.

Some excerpts from quiet times :)

I say: I cannot do it.

God says: Let me do it through you. Watch Me.

I say: I am anxious with the outcome. What will become of me if I fail?

God says: Be secured with my love and my plan. If you fail, you are still my Dena. Cry, if you must, but know that I will never leave you or forsake you.

I say: Then let Your Will be done. I'll just sleep and have fun. Your plan, right? Perhaps if I let it all go, I'd miraculously emerge victorious.

God says: My daughter, you still have your part to play on this. I won't be the one shading those little circles for you. I won't be the one holding the stethoscope, although I will ultimately do the curing. I am not your instrument of healing. Rather, you are mine. I am preparing you for your future. 

I say: You could have led me/impressed on me an easier lifetime vocation, one that suits my talents and skills.

God says: Oh, who told you that your gifts of writing, singing, public speaking, etc. etc. don't suit this vocation? Are you even sure that I intend for you to become a doctor? In my time, love, not yours. According to my plan, darling, not yours. *wink wink*

I say: Nobody understands. Nobody knows how to comfort me. I feel so alone. I cannot seem to talk to someone about my fears without the fear of being judged.

God says: Ahem ahem. You were saying?

To end this post, here's an excerpt from The Way of A Pilgrim:

"The fact is that we are alienated from ourselves; we run in order to avoid meeting ourselves and we exchange truth for trinkets while we say, 'I would like to have time for prayer and spiritual life but the cares and difficulties of this life demand all my time and energies.' And what is more important and necessary, the eternal life of the soul or the temporary life of the body about which man worries so much? It is this choice which man makes that either leads him to wisdom or keeps him in ignorance."

Rebuked? I know I am.

Buntong Hininga

Mahal, ayos lang ba,
kung tawagin kitang mahal?
Pansamantala lang naman
hanggang makalimutan ko na
kung paano bigkasin
yaring mga pagsambit
sa tuwina.

Mahal, natatakot ako,
alam mo ba kung bakit?
O paano ako nagsusumamo
ang dami ng luha at mga hikbi
na nilunok at pinatahimik
sapagkat pinakaaantay kita
Halika na... Halik ka na.

Third Person Pronoun

"Confident? Aggressive? Assertive? Oh, I know, how about sane?" she said.

"Stable? No, uhm... I don't quite know the right word for it." he said.

"Oh, OK, I'll go buy my second bottle of vodka" she said.

"Yeah, go on" the other she said.

*comes back with a bottle of vodka in hand*

"Self-assured! Yes. That is why you seem so self-assured" he said.

Oops, one of the highest compliments in her vocabulary. 

Silence. 

Don't go there. 

Too much, too soon. 

Think of another topic to talk about.

Let's just say that she seem so self-assured, as you call it, because:

-She is able to voice out her opinions simply because she knows that she's entitled to them. She is also able to ask uncomfortable questions and her ideas "go against the grain" at times because she does not hold back. More often than not, her untamed tongue brings harm but she likes standing in harm's way since she is aware that it's a good way to learn. America has a word for it - a bitch, that's what.

-She knows her worth. She doesn't find pleasure in putting down other people (especially their physical traits) because she respects the uniqueness of each individual. She has a good grasp of her limitations but she continues to push them, just not too far right away.

-She is open-minded and there is beauty in an open mind.

-Still, her demons can keep up with her. It's not because they're strong but because they're ever so cunning; they mastered the art of proper timing. They chase after her in her dreams, in her alone time, and when she's pissed with alcohol. In those times, she succumbs to them. 

-Her set of sins may be far different from yours, but they are sins nonetheless.

-She appears so self-assured because she is friends with her own demons and because she is constantly striving to master her set of sins. Also because, and especially because her walls are high up again, or so it seems. Dare to inch closer and "self-assured" would be the least adjective you'd associate her with. But then, please don't dare.

Vomit. Vomit. Vomit.

Some people literally puke when they are anxious while I feel the urge to have a word vomit when I am. This happens a lot, since I am quite an anxious person to begin with. The number of posts in this blog is directly proportional to the amount of anxiety itself and/or the amount of feelings that cause me to become anxious. Gauge my anxiety level through this post, for example.

-I have a problem with self-control. Damnit, I cannot control my impulse for escapism. As the number of pages pile up, the desire to sleep, rest, eat, and mindlessly surf the internet increases. This makes me a walking contradiction, since there's a part of me that's a control freak; that part gets anxious over very spontaneous happenings (overbearing surprises just won't do), broken schedules, and messy people. I feel like I am screwed big time and this is actually taking a toll on my medical education. The medschool where I'm at requires tons of self-discipline since their goal is for "students to learn at their own pace, by themselves". We come to school to take exams, look at cadavers, smile at other struggling students at the hallways, sleep on correlates where doctors may (a) give pointers for exams, (b) talk about their lives, (c) waste our time talking nonsense.

-Here are some of my pet peeves, in random order: noisy chewing and a person's head moving down to reach the spoon while eating (why can't you use your arm muscles and masseter?!); manyak-looking strangers everywhere who give maniac stares when you make eye contact by accident (this pisses me off big time); boisterous people who do not know their limit, especially those who give lame jokes and narcissistic stories in coffee shops; humans with zero initiative AT ALL (they need nudging all the time! they cannot even cross the street without somebody leading them. yes, I met someone like this); an object that I really like that needs to be shipped from overseas but apparently the shipping fee is twice the price of the object itself (I am talking about you, 500 Tips for Fat Girls); conyo speech - just please speak in straight whatever language that you're most fluent in speaking.

-I hate how schools only measure one facet of intelligence when it was found out that there are multiple other intelligences. I cannot, for the life of me, understand how I am supposed to transform overnight into a robot who can memorize everything on thick books by brute force when I know that I learn best through experience, explanations, and discourse. I cannot fathom how a 100-item shading exam measure what a person has learned within the span of around 10 months. I also wonder how come my brain didn't seem to make structural changes in its synapses in order to enhance my memory. 

-Sometimes I wonder if this is really the path for me. This will probably be with me until the day I die. Had I pursued Law, I would also probably be suffering death by tons of readings. Thinking about it now, perhaps my skills and talents are more inclined to communication- or even business-related degrees.

-Hello, parts of the eye. I remember 5 years ago when I took an entrance exam in that other school where I originally planned to study college. We were given a rough sketch of the eye with the different labels. We had to memorize the whole thing for 10 minutes then they gave us another paper with the rough sketch minus the labels. We had to label everything right out of our brains. Funny, they told me I got the highest score among all entrance exam qualifiers. I was pretty sure I flunked the Math part of the test. Fractions just don't sit well in my brain. Perhaps other test takers got lower scores? Apparently.

-It's quite funny how this blog's medium is English when it's like, what, my second language next to Cebuano? (Filipino is the third one. I learned most Filipino words through teleseryes. Sorry, elementary Filipino teacher). Maybe I learned the two simultaneously or something? I wonder, though, since both of my parents aren't very fluent with the language. Reincarnation of my past life as an ancient scribe? I don't know. I don't think I believe in reincarnation to begin with. Hmm, whatever it may be but I am quite comfortable when I write in English although of course I think nothing beats the dramatic tone imparted by Cebuano prose. This is ironic, though, since the Cebuano accent is really strong and hard. Still. Oh, and Filipino is a close second, too.

-I really need to start formulating a Plan B in case medical school doesn't work for me. Oh goodness, I cannot imagine myself working as a nurse. It's not about that job, it's just that I don't think I'm cut out for that (modified version of the "it's not you, it's me"). Of course I have to give some credit to BS Nursing for teaching me fundamental lessons in life (will blog about that later).

-I should really go back to reading my laboratory manual. Dafuq, whether or not I increase my efforts in studying, the outcomes are the same -- failing marks. I do not know what's wrong. I feel like there are blank spaces in my brain now. At times, I also hear voices talking to me and in my mind I answer them. This sounds like schizophrenia, I know. Oh hey, (+) insight. 

-Maybe I should delete your number on my cellphone. But what if I had to tell you something really important? Also, what if you had something to tell me but I won't be able to recognize your number anymore? Still, having your number on my phone frustrates me a lot because I know that I have your number and you have mine but we're not communicating. Oh and for the record, we're not bestfriends. We're barely even friends. Although, yeah, hit me up when you're in town, we can grab drinks with our other acquaintances. You just lost your chance of having a "lesbro" =)) No, seriously, I'm kind of a good candidate for a good friend that you know, you can ask about what you should surprise your girlfriend with, pat you on the back when you're down and out, those kinds of shit. That's what I'm most bitter about. You did not grab that opportunity when I offered it to you for the longest time now. Anyway...

-I am so freaking excited to get things over with. I want to drink my liver away by then, cut and color my hair and maybe get my navel pierced. Let me cross the bridge when I get there.

On an anxiety scale of 1 to Dena, why do I feel so fucking screwed?

Just Like Oil and Water. Or Is It?

They (by 'they', I mean the religious people) say that Christianity and homosexuality will never mix. Ever. They say it was clearly written in the Bible.

This is a major conflict for me since I identify as a pansexual and a Christian. What if I fall in love with someone of the same sex? Do I have to be shunned by the church that I have grown to love?

Then I stumble upon an article about Mary Lambert and find out that she's a Christian and a lesbian. She is a singer, songwriter, and spoken word poet. Basically many levels of awesome in my eyes.

As much as I want to do further research now, I would have to put it on hold since medical school is proving to be too much to handle for me. This research will entail scouring the Bible and the internet, among other things.

Some links:

Her blog post about it

She Keeps Me Warm

Oh, and Ellen Page's beautiful speech at a Human Rights Campaign Event in Las Vegas recently.

The Enemy of the Best is the Good

So it's Valentine's Day for lovers while it's Independence Day for the single ones.

It's that time of the year again when some girls in full-on make up and pretty dresses hold a bouquet of flowers as if it were a trophy for the whole world to see. They hold their head a bit higher, smile a little more confidently, and there is spring in their step wherever they go. I personally find it beautiful and ridiculous. How that is possible, I have no idea exactly. What I do know is that I find every sort of celebration of love beautiful and worthwhile. Love has this contagious nature that, when expressed, demands to be felt. This is why valentine scrooges feel so nauseated around this time. The ridiculousness of this event is that the 14th of February really had to be designated as Valentine's Day in order to celebrate love when it can be celebrated during the remaining 364 days. What's more, it creates societal pressure to lovers (guys especially) to give gifts to their significant other. The single people make do with each other's company through exchange of gifts, random surprises, and even a night-out together to swim in their own salty tears while wallowing about their lack of a life partner. LOL, just kidding, the freedom of singleness allows one to do anything without having to ask for anyone else's approval (there's the law and your principles, though). My theory is that this occasion was especially created by Flower Shops United, Chocolate Manufacturers Incorporated, and Stuffed Toy Makers Organizations in order to boost sales. Wooh, can you feel that? Yup, it's my blog post getting more political by the minute. Ha!

Anyway, I'd like to enumerate my valentine-related activities this year. It's the first real Valentine's Day celebration for me. The catch, I didn't need a specific person to make everything happen for me!

(1) I sang with CIMphony (our school choir) in front of an audience for the first time. We sang "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" and "When I Fall In Love" before different batches in our school. I'm in Alto 2 and I still really lose my way with the song especially when singing with the sopranos, tenors, and basses. My favorite lyrics are: "When I fall in love it will be forever, or I'll never fall in love".

(2) I received two roses: one from a new friend and another from my dad. For me, single long-stemmed roses or handpicked flowers are just as good as the expensive ones. I do not think that I will ever understand people spending hundreds and even thousands of money to buy flowers. I mean, what will you do with them afterwards? Make tea out of the petals. Right.

(3) I got two valentine cards from my parents and a bracelet from my dad. I love how they always see to it that they give us cards for every occasion on the calendar. Their messages were pretty simple, really, but I know that every word hold so much more. It's always the thought that counts :)

(4) My very good friend sent the UP merchandise via LBC, in time for Valentine's Day. They're now the concrete proof for me to believe that the UP days weren't all a dream. That, and great friendships across the sea.

(5) I attended a talk about marriage with godly ladies who are all beautiful inside and out. I learned from the talk that marriage has no backdoor, no escape plan whatsoever. It is a covenant that ought to be kept forever, "until death do us part". This struck me the most as a woman and more importantly, as a human being. I am fully convinced that romantic relationships MUST HAVE (non-negotiable!) the goal of marriage in the future. If one's vision falls short of that, then it is better to just stay away from relationships in the meantime. 

Thing is, society dictates that a person's value depends on the number of girls or guys desiring him/her. What's worse, there is a premium given to those who slept with multiple partners, as if each person were a badge in that invisible sash of one's so-called charisma. This is why most hop from one relationship to another and engage in casual sex and "friends with benefits". The goal is not marriage at all. Rather, the goal of each fleeting relationship is tasting that "flavor of the month" and bragging about it during the next drinking session.

We are given the pressure to settle for something "pwede na" - someone whom we know isn't the best for us but since that person is available and is willing to feed our ego, we settle. The enemy of the best is not the bad; rather, the enemy of the best is the good. Once we find the good, we forget about the best, thinking that the good is all there is. We get married, thinking that there is always the option of divorce, separation or annulment in case it doesn't work. Except in cases of abuse, I think that divorce, separation or annulment aren't options that one should consider upon taking the commitment to marry someone. When there are fights and misunderstandings, the couple is supposed to give time and space to breathe for a while and then talk before the day ends. The difference here is spelled out with E-F-F-O-R-T. They work things out and manage to get by. It is, after all, "through thick or thin, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part". I don't know about you, but I consider promises as sacred. You swear it on your honor, by the God you believe in, and to the person that you're giving the promise to.

Knowing that marriage has no backdoor honestly scares the shit out of me. I mean, I don't think that I am prepared enough for that. This realization helped me take an introspective look at myself, on how much growing I needed to do. Most importantly, I realized that I do not need many lovers. I need to stop fretting about the lack of a love life. With the way I give my heart (the only way I know how to), which is completely and irrevocably, one person is enough.

For now, it's a very happy independence day for me.

Group 17 of PBL 1 in CIM A.Y. 2013-2014 :)

Alexia*

*(from Greek ἀ- (a-), meaning "absence of, without", and λέξις (lexis), meaning "word") is a brain disorder in which a person is unable to understand written words


What if, out of a cosmic joke, the love of my life acquires alexia? 
Well, I do not know exactly what to feel but here's a free verse. 

______________________________________________________________________

I write for you...
or rather, I write for myself
because I am with you.
Every little thing goes haywire
with every smile and every touch,
as if the heartstrings were made to tangle
and the fiber tracts of my brain were made to intertwine;
like how our hands lock with each other
and our arms knot in embrace.

I run from everything that scares me;
all, except for you.
It's always a special case,
that's how you are to me.
From your eyelashes to your toes
how I love them!
How they scare me shitless
for I have never known
that I was ever capable of this much affection.

If, one day, all my words make no sense
then please do look at my pen strokes
for the ink has bled through the pen
to make an indelible mark
a proof of your existence.
Let the empty spaces and the punctuation speak to you;
it's exactly how empty and pointless
my life would be without you.

You will live forever.
In my words you exist eternally.
Your loss of understanding
may be the best thing that could happen;
for, my love, I will put down the pen
look at your eyes and speak.
I will give you each of my breath
searching for words to capture
the vastness and depth of my feelings
I will hold you close to me
so that you may hear the beating
of this poor heart that skips beats
upon hearing your voice.

Darling, the pen has been my best friend
while the paper has been my silent companion,
perhaps begrudgingly wanting to respond
to my thoughts but always unable to.
Love, I will put the pen down
and tear the paper into the tiniest pieces.
All this because your mind and your heart
are the slates that I long to write on to.
Do not read my words,
instead uncover my soul.
Let me undress it for you.

Daydream

Here is a list (items not in order) of some of my favorite things. These make me feel a beautiful kind of warmth deep inside. They are reminders that the seemingly never-ending chapters left to read will soon pass. These things will someday be well within my reach again.

1) Wordplay of sorts- in poetry, song, conversation, etc. I am greatly fascinated with words and their meanings

2) Pretty lights: stars, meteor showers, fireworks, lanterns, fairy lights, candles

3) A baby's scent, smile, and laughter

4) The beach

5) Fragrant scents

6) Arms to hold on to while walking

7) Meeting passionate people who are busy chasing their dreams, (especially) hearing them talk about their passion and seeing their eyes drift away to their happy place while talking

8) Songs with harmonious melody and meaningful lyrics

9) Warm cup of black coffee

10) Vintage items: typewriters, old buildings, leather journals, handwritten letters, and others

11) Sunset and sunrise

12) Laughing until my sides hurt

13) Storytelling, also spoken poetry

14) Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs and cuddling

15) Kisses

16) Grass on my toes and butterflies all around

17) Breeze on a cloudy day; rain minus the flood

18) Smiles from well-meaning strangers,  especially the elderly and the little kids

19) Surprises. Not the embarassing kind

20) Plot twists in stories that leave me dumbfounded because they are way different from what I imagined

21) People remembering me for no reason, just because :)

22) Weddings, wedding proposals, engagement pictorials

23) Me-time

24) Delicious food

25) Travel

Still Here

Through misty eyes I see
All that's left of me
I remember it all
Don't know which part heralded the fall

My heart has its own timeline
Sometimes I feel like she's still mine
She calms my soul (I get anxious a lot)
My brokenness is made whole (Broken pieces are all I got)

I'm fine on most days
Her memory still stays
I learned to let all of her go
Accept the loss and release all sorrow

At times, I remember her voice
Its lovely timbre and pitch can drown out the noise
I memorized her body and her face
"I do not want to forget you", so her beauty stays

If, one day, she comes at my door
I will let her enter and sit on my floor
We will talk about the years
Laughter, pain, songs, dreams, and tears

I have never stopped loving
A part of me continues hoping
Yet a bigger chunk of my heart
Is more than ready to make a brand new start

P.S.

A,

You used to tell me that "if two people were meant to be together, they would eventually find their way back". You were wrong. Those two people were supposed to stick together through thick and thin, work things out and fight through everything. I was willing to fight for you.

If, one day, you think of coming back to me, don't. I'm begging you not to. You won't be able to fix what you broke. I am not your old toy in the attic, idly waiting for you in a dusty corner. You helped me realize that I am so much more than that; so I will become so much more. I have long since moved on but moving on does not necessarily mean forgetting. I will find the love I really deserve. I am still keeping my promise of loving you forever, a part of me always will. But love, it is best for us to keep our distance.

I'm on the right TRACT, baby...

...I was born this way! Tract, as in you know, spinal tract. Oh, I'm so funny :-| (yes, I push corny jokes way too far).

Anyway.

Quiz from Medical Specialty Aptitude Test of the University of Virginia (click the link if you want to take the quiz too).

Here are my results in my First Year in Medical School. I plan to take this test yearly, depending on how far I can go from here and for how long I can actually stay in the game.

Some side notes:

-General Internal Medicine actually ranks high among my preferences. It's a challenging specialty, since it requires a physician's vast knowledge of a myriad of diseases. The diseases have varying presentations, sequelae and what-not. It's good, if I am up for a job requiring good correlation skills between practice and theory on a regular basis. Also, a sub-specialty will be good, if ever. I'm thinking of cardio-pulmonary medicine - my initial plan prior to all this actual schooling.

-Pathology is also an awesome specialty, if I am looking for much money, minimal patient interaction, and challenging puzzles with live parasites, microorganisms, and actual human tissues (heard this from an actual pathologist from PGH). A lot of my Med Tech batchmates want to pursue this specialty. I have to say that I think I want to know more about this before "disregarding" this specialty in the list of not-for-me specialties. At the moment, what's really holding me back is the microscope. Yes, I dislike looking at stuff under the microscope.

-Emergency Medicine. This needs a doctor who can think fast on her feet, someone who can keep her cool in any scenario, a physician who can lead her health care team along the bustling emergency area; in short, an entirely different Dena. Still, I think this is a great specialty. Ahem, Military Medicine at the actual war zone.

-Neurosurgery for when I jump the ship of the forever alone. I'll be changing my name to Eponine by then, too. Just kidding. I actually know my limits. I believe I wasn't blessed with the mind and the hands to push the limit to become a neurosurgeon. I find the job really, really, really cool, though, and neurosurgeons really, really, really hot. Haha. Hey, intelligence is sexy.

-Radiation Oncology is a specialty that hits too close to home. My dad underwent radiation two years ago because of his thyroid cancer. This year, he will be having another round of radiation again. Being the sanguine soul that he is, he talked to his doctor about medicine and all sorts of things related to it, including me. This particular doctor mentioned that there are only two radiation oncologists in the Philippines at the moment. He even went as far as telling my dad to encourage me to take this specialty in the future.

-For the rest: Dermatology, Ophtalmology, Allergy and Immunology, Rheumatology, and Nephrology, I think I would need more experience and exposure to be able to come up with opinions toward them. I mean to say opinions that are good enough for me to consider them as my future specialty as a physician.

-Obviously, I am one ambitious biotch, no denial here. Oh well, we'll see.

No, not really. I do not know what I exactly want... yet.

Stare

There is something in your eyes.

No, scratch that.

I see everything in your eyes;

Passion, sadness, anger, with a tiny hint of hope.

I have been noticing you for a long time now

and I know you do, too.

I can sense your gaze piercing my energy field,

that is why I always look around when you are near.

I do not feel anything, to be honest.

Keep your distance.

Try not to make eye contact.

Look away, stay away.

BAM!

Today our eyes met.

Damn, cut that stare.

Please do not gather enough courage to talk to me.

I have seen your soul right through your eyes.

I am not so sure whether or not

our demons will play well together. 

I do not want to know.

Transcendence

Perhaps it is attributable to our human nature to find comfort in labels. From the very first time the doctor declared to the world that "It's a girl!", we were given the pressure to stand within the scope of all things feminine: pretty dresses, the pronouns "she", "her" and "hers", including the misogyny that abounds many corners of the earth. I do not write now to further discuss about how we helped shape these labels or how these labels shaped us.What I would like to write about at the moment is how my heart wants to transcend any and all forms of label.

I want to experience love in its entirety and rawness - regardless. I am stepping out of the boundaries of gender, race, weight, and all other forms of the world's  superficial standards. I am opening myself to the infinite possibilities of love, whether the dictionary has a word for it or not. May it be woman, man, gay, lesbian, transsexual, transgender, queer, asexual, etcetera, I do not care. It is rather easy to achieve worldly orgasm but what I am after is someone who can awaken my soul. May we learn together how to create something concrete out of abstract love. When asked about my "non-negotiables" in a partner, I answered that I wanted someone with a passion and someone who knows how to lead me (this part can be very difficult since I do not just yield to authority for the sake of it). That is all, for I know that passion in itself is enough guarantee for our life-long adventure. I need that person to lead me and to take my hand with our love that transcends.

But if I must label my gender, then let it be known that I consider myself pansexual. Yes, it is a form of queerness and yes, I would like to indulge you with questions that you may have in your mind about it. Mind, that the answers I have are what I know and they are bound to change as I continue studying sexuality, sex, and gender.

Photo by Read-the-Wind on Deviantart

Question #1: What is pansexuality?

Answer: While a pansexual person was originally described as someone "exhibiting or implying many forms of sexual expression" (Merriam-Webster dictionary), it is now regarded as being "not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regard to gender or identity" (Oxford Dictionary of English). The latter definition is how I would like to describe my gender.

Question #2: How does pansexuality differ from bisexuality?

Answer: Pansexuals consider themselves as "gender-blind" (O.K., I'm speaking for myself only here). While bisexuals recognize the binary nature of gender as being male or female and are attracted to both, pansexuals disregard the gender binary. I personally think that instead of looking at gender as entirely black and white, it is supposed to be viewed as a continuum or a spectrum of colors, like a rainbow (pun intended).

Question #3: When did you realize that you were pansexual?

Answer: I cannot really pinpoint a definite "aha!" moment for this. I carefully thought of being attracted to just the opposite sex as a cis-woman or the same sex as a lesbian or even both, as a bisexual. However, I realized they just didn't quite encapsulate who I identify as. I just know that someone's junk in between their legs does not matter in my choice of a partner. I found out the term later on upon research over the web. I am in the continuous process of learning, unlearning, and relearning and I am very much open to changing my beliefs and convictions as I deem them fit. My self-identification as a pansexual has always been with me, in a way, I guess. I just had this enough courage to write about it here, for what it's worth. Oh, and also, did you know that you are supposed to be the only one to identify yourself in the most accurate way possible, not your family, friends, church, and society? It's self-identity that we're talking about here, right?

Question #4: Does that mean you're a whore for liking and wanting anyone you meet?

Answer: The answer to this is a resounding NO. I may fall in love for the sake of love regardless of labels but there are such things as standards and taste. Speaking of taste, I like smart people who are not arrogant and cutthroat competitive. I like those who are able to keep their cool. Ha! My sapiosexual nature actually creates a shortlist of "likable people" wherever I go.

No, I will not hump any moving thing within the 1-kilometer radius and no, I am not checking out every human being I meet on the street. Also, I do not have the constant desire to kiss and make out with my acquaintances. I also do not make friends with the hidden agendum of "converting" someone to like me. Just like most people (or perhaps like a few people), I have boundaries and those boundaries will not be breached.

Question #5: Are you currently in a relationship?

Answer: I am single and just "looking around". LOL. For now, I'm fine with love stories shared at Overheard at UP, Jason Magbanua wedding videos, sappy Instagram couple photos... you get it. I am still in the process of knowing myself and of building my identity so that when I start actively finding someone, I won't lose myself.