Lackluster

Luscious lips
take a bite
taste the good
be so high.
Satisfy your desires
on your tongue
in my mouth
all over.

Search for me
when I'm gone
dream of you
and your touch.
Haunt your mind
with my eyes
fondle your breasts
in our sweet embrace.

Drink your juice
dripping wet
right between
beyond your thighs.
Say goodbye
hello, goodbye
bat your lashes
drive me wild.

Recover fast
or not at all
be consumed by those thoughts.
Cry for help
in the dark
shush the demon
of such kind.

The Winner

(Written on March 28, 2009)

"The world is a permanent battlefield,

a place for those who choose to either resist or yield.

It is an arena of consistent pain,

and it's up to you if you'll compensate it with growth and gain.

Success is not measured upon the awards on the shelves,

not on how great we see ourselves.

Recognition can be claimed by everyone,

but the ones who deserve it are those whose best was done.

It's a matter of putting your heart into it;

Learning to love, bit by bit.

For winning is all about doing your best,

an individual's passion for excellence is its chosen nest.

No, we can't put bliss in everybody's eyes,

we're not always good enough to vanish their sighs.

But then again it's about exhausting your fullest potentials,

regardless of your status, talents and credentials.

Always see the light before you,

because like everyone else, you're a born winner too.

Never strip this off your sanity;

"It's not the quantity but the quality."

The rationale of this all,

is that a true winner never ceases to stand after every fall.

It's not the human eyes that you need to please,

but the Creator himself who's our only source of inner peace."

Gag Reflex

-My cousin just graduated from highschool. I've never felt so old. Haha, not that it's a big deal. I still feel like a kid, with some experiences all too familiar when I encounter them again. Anyway, my cousin plans to become a nurse, as in the legit nurse as a profession, not a pre-something. I am amazed with her persistence for that career path despite other people discouraging her. I hope she maintains that attitude when she experiences the real stuff: sleepless nights, toxic patients, etc.

-The valedictorian of my cousin's graduating class will be pursuing a degree on creative writing in UP Diliman. She will then proceed to higher studies to become a lawyer. I just have to express how awesome that is. Talk about satiating the desires of all brain hemispheres. Creative writing + Technical writing are so challenging and amazing.

-Someday, when I'm earning my own money, I will see to it to save cash to treat family members to fancy restaurants and other fancy stuff. Taking them to travel somewhere is on my bucket list. It makes me happy to see them having fun. I value family time so much, especially because I see the little ones play and I am able to indulge in the wisdom of experiences of the older ones. Oh, and my aunt is 13 weeks pregnant! I am sooo excited to hold my new cousin. 

-Fire dancing is just so fun to watch. They had this presentation last night during the Earth Hour. I have a thing for pretty lights so fire dancing is a most welcome addition.

-I heard this song played by a live band last night. It had lyrics that went "I'll take one shot for my pain, one drag for my sorrow, get messed up today... I'll be O.K. tomorrow". I liked it because the songwriter seemed miserable at best but hopeful nonetheless. Oh, I just searched the song online and it's Bruno Mars' Liquor Store Blues. Here's a good cover of the song.

-There are many smart people I know and it's my privilege to know them. This year, I know three magna cum laude accountancy graduates, one magna cum laude and another with honors ECE graduates, one magna cum laude health science graduate, among others. Oh, and yeah, one future applied physicist.

-The elementary school where I graduated from looks so different from eight years ago. My favorite change is the hanging lanterns on the old trees there. They look so magical. Haha, my thing for pretty lights again. I saw some elementary batchmates there, said hi, and awkwardly walked away because I didn't know what to tell/ask them anymore.

-It's the start of the final exams tomorrow and I don't give a flying fuck anymore.

Tandem Walk

So... O.K., I think I topped my lack of self-discipline today, in like forever. Finals is coming up in five days and instead of panic-studying, my lack of good judgment enabled me to finish the 14-episode first season of L Word. That's more than 15 hours lost, just like that. Well, I tried to read on the side but who am I kidding, I am not Ms. Multitasker of the Year. Every night, I make a promise to my future self that tomorrow, I will go out of the house and actually focus. But then, the next day, I get swallowed up by my very own D.I.Y. vortex of doom. 

I have thoughts related to L Word, though. Here are a few:

Do I really need to establish romantic relationships and have sexual interactions to help me figure out who I am as a person? I don't think I am ready for those anytime soon. This is because I do not know (yet) how to separate romance from intimacy. I think it's very important to undergo such "exploration"-- the figuring out who I am part, I mean. Hmmm... well, I don't really think I'd be able to make such compartmentalization; I'm not closing my door, though. What I am ready for is the discovery of my inner self in order to be O.K. with who I really am. I mean, do I really need someone else's affection or someone else for that matter to determine my true nature? I just can't risk getting hurt. Shit, I must be another heartless hopeless romantic. You know, getting my fix from sappy love songs, etcetera but still walled off from the rest of the world for fear of getting hurt.

Blah, blah, blah. I hate how much of an overthinker I am. What I hate more is the fact that I lack people who would discuss these things with me. Ah, alcohol, how I miss you... you make people so much more interesting and profound than they really are in real life.

(Not related to the topic but a good read nonetheless:
How to Love a Girl Who Doesn't Know How to be Loved)

A Love Note

I only asked you to sing for me

and you played me an orchestra-

these heart sounds went "lub-dub, lub-dub"

sometimes fluttered like a butterfly in my chest.

I only wished for you to write me letters

and you gave me more lines to read-

on the palm of my hands, on the curve of my neck, 

on my face.

I only requested you to paint me

and you splashed the colors-

all around, everywhere

on the sidewalk, in the sky, in everything I see.

I only wanted you to dance with me

and you took my hand, held my waist-

waltzed through the night,

and had this dance our whole life through.

I only hoped to be your muse

and you made me so much more than that-

you had me live through a hundred lives

to lose myself... and find my way back to you.

--Only you can break my sheer panic with awe at just how great you are. I can spend my whole life trying to understand how the human body works (and I will), but only you can engineer everything to work just the way they do. Some people call you the Universe, some call you Science, but to me, you are these and so much more. I call on to you with each breath and in every heartbeat.

Huge's Heart

Love continues to change its form and expression for me; each of them I consider beautiful. It continues to surprise me and I know that there can't be "too much love" for me.

At the moment, the best manifestation of love is the thoughtfulness of our kids in our neighborhood. My dad calls them his angels. They are his playmates and barkada, since my father does not have many close adult friends (for a very good reason: he chooses his friends very carefully and he is wary with betrayal and peer pressure). Papa has been on isolation for almost a month now because of his radiation therapy for thyroid cancer. He can't go anywhere near kids, pregnant women, and we maintain distance of at least a meter away from him. However, this does not stop the children from calling his name as they stand right outside our house. One can hear "Daddy Boie" in the morning before they leave for school and in the afternoon during their games. We thought that they'd eventually stop after a week since my dad doesn't even face them even if he wants to in order to protect the children from radiation exposure. However, they continue to tell him about their day, who's fighting with who and their perfect scores in their quizzes at school. They also make drawings especially for my dad just so he would know that they miss him. I wonder if their parents even know about these important events in their children's lives.

My father is the best example of a man that I want to someday marry. He is loving, understanding, kind, and just about every positive adjective I could think of. Mind you, I do not give compliments loosely. He sure is not perfect, but being a girl version of him (he tells me I should've been named "Huga", as his name is "Hugo". I KNOW RIGHT), gives us a special connection. I know how to talk to him when he's on the verge of spewing curses (rare times but you won't want to be there to witness it). He opens up about his insecurities and pains in the past (repetitively, but hey, that's a good way to heal).

I pray to God that he be given a very long life. I pray that the complications of cancer, gout, hypertension, and diabetes be put at bay indefinitely. I want him to see my own children making random love notes for him in the future. I am looking forward to his beaming smile upon receiving them. It would be a privilege for my little ones to grow up with him as their grandfather. I could only imagine the songs and the games that they'd be playing!

Oh, and I'm changing my statement earlier about the best expression of love at the moment. It's actually how this family continues to be strong in spite of every trial. I am just so blessed to have the dad of my dreams, as well as a beautiful mother to complement him.

T

I want you.

Our relationship is something that I really look forward to having- low-maintenance, low-key, and undemanding. I can give you everything you want, and I will. I am not even scared of you, my dear. I cannot wait, my Osam (Serbian word which means "eight"- a tarantula has 8 'normal' legs and 2 short ones in front). We'll meet sooner than later, perhaps this summer.

Imaginary convo:

Me: This is my pet, named "Osam".

Person: AWESOME!

Me: Yeah, he's Osam. Awesome Osam. Get it? =))

In case you're wondering, I do still want two dogs but they belong in the far future. I won't be able to provide for the needs of a dog yet; they're like babies, needing attention and all that jazz. In that aspect, tarantulas are better since they only need once-a-week feeding of a one-peso superworm. Of course I'd have to forego cuddling for now.

In Short, I'm Longing

The number of people that I am missing so much is too damn high. I don't want to write about this feeling because it would only frustrate the shit out of me. It's been too long. It must be because of my anxiety that I'm instinctively looking for the comfort of good company. Feelings are quite inconvenient and I dislike this inconvenience so much. 

Tightrope Walking

Uncertainty.

It is the feeling that I hate the most. It fuels my already anxious mind, making everything even scarier. I have an imagination that can probably fill a galaxy so the very thought of something is enough to make it so real to me.

Medical school is my biggest uncertainty at the moment. If I screwed this up, my life will be in a total limbo. Sanity, please stay with me.

__________

OK, I've had my coffee. Thank God for coffee-induced thoughts. I will finish this. Like a marathon runner who experiences a burst of energy with the finish line in plain sight, I will give everything left in me- my willpower, faith, and pep talk. There's not much left anymore but yeah, at least this is something.

Must be because of the Human Embryology module

Being the great procrastinator that I am, I decided to skim over my previous blog posts instead of studying. This write-up from December 2012 still holds true today, especially now that I decided to have a child in the distant future (like really distant, more or less 10 years from now).

Pre-requisite: I'll have a sperm donor (or maybe a husband)  to conceive and I'll actually have the capacity for conception.

My children can choose whoever they want to become someday.

I swear on the eggs of my ovaries that my unborn children will be given enough freedom to choose who they want to become, provided that they know why they want to become that way. Pardon the funny mental image instilled as I swore on my ova.

Also, unmet father of my children (if any and if applicable), you need to understand that we will be raising our children to the best of our capabilities but we need to understand as well that we could only do so much. We cannot shove down our beliefs down the throats of our children if we want them to be strong and confident in facing life head-on or, as I would like to put it, if we'd like them to grow some balls (whether imaginary or actual).

The decisions that they will someday make include but are not limited to the following: gender, religion, career path.

Gender: "Anak, may boyfriend ka na ba? Girlfriend, meron na?"

The absence or presence of a penis will not dictate your role in life, my child. I will give you equal access to trucks, guns, dolls, and playhouses. Oh, it would be a delight for me if you preferred the unisex educational toys. Point is, I would not want you to be pressured to find a girlfriend (if you're a boy) in your pubertal years. So what if you're a little boy who loves to dress up as the Little Mermaid on Halloween? I'll make you fabulous, little one, if that's what you want. This world has its boxed up views of who should marry who, that they tend to forget that the point of being in a relationship is love before and above all else. I would rather have you open up to me about your relationship status, your first kiss (and other things beyond that), and problems regarding that. I would rather have you asking me questions about sex and love in an accepting atmosphere, than you being coiled up in a closet. It is, however, a mistake to think that I would like you to become a homosexual for that in itself contradicts my principle of you realizing the role you will be portraying for the rest of your life. Hetero- homo- bi- trans-, I will love and accept you.

Religion: "Katoliko kang ipinanganak, Katoliko kang mamamatay... or not"

This is probably one of the most controversial things that I have encountered thus far. It is rather difficult to explain this to others since their own beliefs cloud their minds whenever this sensitive topic on religion is talked about. My principle on religion is this: we are all made to worship. However, we cannot dictate who or what to worship. Yes, this includes the atheists who say that they do not believe in God. Nevertheless, they worship or give unusual value for something, may it be a relationship, an object or a trait (e.g. love). As I think about it now, they are actually disregarding God while giving value for His manifestation. It's a matter of understanding and justifying your beliefs, or lack thereof. For me, religions are mere vehicles for praising a common God. I may have said this before somewhere in this blog, but I know that God's majesty cannot and should not be encompassed by a single religion. No, this is not a belief, this is what I know. More important than my child doing the sign of the cross or adhering to rituals is the fact that he/she is making a conscious effort to be of service to other creations, his/her love and concern for God and His manifestations.

Career path: "If you will it, you can do it."

The question here is not about the specific career that needs to be pursued. Sure it would be a great source of pride to have a child who's a doctor or a lawyer but it would be great as well to have a child who's a great mother (if she decides to marry at an early age) or maybe a prolific artist of sorts. More than a specific career path, it would please me greatly to have children who pour their hearts out in pursuit of their dreams. All we can do is give them pieces of advice for the pro's and con's of their decisions but the final say must come from them. By any twist of fate, I may not realize my other dream of becoming a lawyer. However, this is not a reason for me to push a child to realize my dream. I had my time, my destiny. It's that child's time to live his/her own destiny.

Please do not consider this as a manifestation of my disillusioned dream to become a mother, O.K. These are my views of how children should be raised. I believe that parents are guides, not molds. They are like trellises that vines can follow as they grow but those same vines can still stray to where the sun shines, given that they are strong enough to continue growing.

"Dum Spiro Spero"

Keep your head up
Do not lose hope yet
The battle is not done
In fact, it has just begun

Walk straight
Look at everyone in the eyes
You are not doing anything wrong
All you do is dream and fight for it

Smile
Cry, but smile nonetheless
Take deep breaths
Believe in miracles

Look back and remember
The many times in the past
when you were utterly convinced
that you can't do it

So what if you fail now?
It is not a reason for you to give up
Stand up and wear your battle scars
It can only get better from here

"Dum Spiro Spero": While I breathe, I hope.

Empty Boxes

Hello there.

It's been a while since we last saw each other. Hmm... around what, 5 years? I guess so. Five years since high school graduation and since... well, what exactly?

Exactly.

I do not know how to follow through that "hello", given that there isn't much where we left off from some time ago. It's like opening an empty box filled with cobwebs; remove the cobwebs and then there's the emptiness inside the box once more. There's nothing to talk about because of two apparent reasons: (1) where and how do we start a decent conversation with approximately 10 minutes to talk? and (2) what's the point of "catching up", when we don't even know about the details of our next chance encounter? Again, exactly. Five years since nothing. You and I both know that it is a wasted investment at this point to talk about substantial matters so it's better to settle with mere hello's, how do you do? (answer: I'm fine), and where are you going? 

The thing here, though, is that our encounter made me think of just how much can change in a span of five long/short (whichever way we choose to look at it) years. You still look the same, although there's a more distant and disengaged look in your eyes now. Perhaps it's what maturity does to us, no? You say I look different now and it actually took you around 30 seconds plus a closer look at my nameplate to know that it's me. Still, I feel the same from five years ago yet there are parts of me that are way different from what used to be. I have been broken and rebuilt for countless times but still with the same mold. I started with straw and now, the mold is made of bricks - hopefully sturdier and better. I know that you've changed through the years, too. I could only hope that it was for the better. I am glad to know that you are alive and that you're making a living out of your skills. See you again when I spot your familiar face in the crowd. Don't worry, I never forget faces.